By the numbers, an intro

32 – The age I will be in a month

29 – The age I was when I went off birth control with the intent to conceive

28 – The age my mother was when she had me.

28 – The number of days in a cycle I used to have naturally, but would LOVE to have anymore

9 – The number of days in my first pregnancy between when I learned, and when I knew I lost it

8 – The number of months we’ve been seeing a fertility specialist

6 – The embryonic week age I have yet to accomplish in any pregnancy

4 – The number of miscarriages I’ve had since we started trying to make a baby

3 – The number of months it took us to conceive

3 – The number of children I think we’d like to have

3 – The number of HSGs I’ve had

2 – The number of years we’ve been trying to make a baby

2 – The number of pregnancies which I only learned about while I was miscarrying

2 – The number of invasive uterine surgeries I’ve had

1 – The number of babies we’re trying to get to for the moment

1 – The number of D&C’s I’ve had

1 – The number of ectopic pregnancies I’ve had

0 – The number of children I’m ambivalent about having

That’s the “at a glance” quasi-statistical profile of yours truly.  No doubt details will unfold later.  I don’t really want to burden any readers, or myself, now.  Just to say this:  I am the only person in a room anymore who doesn’t laugh when someone cracks the joke that it’s impossible to be a little bit pregnant.  Sure buddy.

I’ve been debating with myself for about a month whether or not to create this blog.  Since I haven’t sought out any support groups, and the forums I visited online after the first two losses didn’t seem to really jive with me, I’ve been thinking this might be good.  If for no other reason than it’ll help me vent and arrange my thoughts.  And maybe some other people might find it … um … well … might find it.

I deliberated for over a week about what to call this and what I should name myself.  “Out From Under” felt really appropriate since the best way I can describe the emotional impact of miscarriage is that it feels like someone has ripped the rug out from under you.  It leaves you feeling confused and bruised.  With recurrent miscarriage, it’s like fate is Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie at the last second.  You’re like Charlie, always getting your hopes up, always faithful, but the outcome is always the same and you feel foolish for having even hoped to begin with.  … at least that’s been my experience.  (I’m hoping, actually, to change out the graphic above for one of Lucy and Charlie, but that will come later.)

“Laughing4Heir” was a harder username to come up with than the blog title.  For the longest time, I thought I’d call myself Hostile Uterus, since that seems to be what I have.  However, it’s easy to get down on myself because of all this body-betrayal, and I want to avoid that, so that was out.  I love Biblical references, and while I’m not yet of “advanced maternal age,” like Sarai if someone – even a bona fide angel from God – told me that I was going to be able to get pregnant without the assistance of modern science and bear a child, I would probably laugh at them.  I feel like I am an heir to Sarai’s sadness and skepticism.  On top of that, I dabble in the comedic arts, as it were.  Nothing big.  Just standard stuff you know:  performing, writing, small mammal sacrifice.  So laughter seemed important and appropriate to reference.  The 4 was because WordPress wouldn’t let me leave a space between words in my username;  so maybe I’m laughing for an heir, or at least I know I’d rather be left laughing for air after all these heartaches than gasping for it as it feels whenever I’m being pulled under.

… the under from which I can’t wait to be out from.

Responses

  1. Goosebumps.

  2. My heart breaks for you. I have had 3 repeat miscarriages – all back to back. I have had 2 D&C’s, 1 HSG, multiple ultrasounds and beta draws and testing up the wazoo. All telling us that we are perfectly healthy and nothing is wrong.

    I can understand the hopelessness you feel and just wanted to say that you definitely aren’t the only one in the world going through this – although sometimes it can feel that way.

  3. Thanks for the kind words, Mandy. I hope and pray for you that you’ll have a successful pregnancy in your near future and that you are able to build your family however you see fit. hugs.


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